Tenayas Randomness: February 2009

Reunification

The written definition of reunification is to cause a group, party or state to become unified again after being divided or separated. In California during 1999, 59% of foster care cases returned home with their parents or primary care givers according to the State Legislative Report in December 2001, of those cases 20% returned to foster care within 12 months. In most outcomes of children returning home to their families have poor if not tragic results. In most cases the child or children have significant if not sever behavioral problems and social disorders. There is a small percent of happy endings though few and far between.

In my eyes, family has always been something that makes you stronger as a person. There is nothing more important than knowing that you have the support and love of your family. I could never see me as who I am without them. Anyone who leaves their family leaves the lives of those people forever and does nothing but cause unjust pain. This is a story of reunification 23 years in the making. One story that gave me the chance to see the other side of reunification and how it can even become a happy ending as an adult.

It was cold that morning, then again it was 6 am in the middle of winter, so it was to be expected. I was pretty much half asleep as I kicked my bag out of my bedroom into the living room and out to the car. The steam coming from my mouth fogged up my sunglasses as I made my way to the car. The lawn looked as if it was an alien planet made of glass before a rock was thrown into it. The thick layer of ice on the windshield of the car was fit for an ice skating rink for all the ants and fleas in the neighborhood. It was easier for me to live in the wild imagination in my head then any of the emotions I was feeling in my heart. Finally reaching the trunk of the car, I lifted my bag packed with a weeks worth of clothes for a 4 day trip into the back and headed inside.

As I walked back in I could see the rest of my family preparing for the long drive to Henderson, Nevada. My father, who was following the same normal rituals that he performs before every trip out of town. Check the windows and doors 3 times each, check the electronics in every room and kitchen stove, coffee pot and anything else in the kitchen with a flashing light, making sure all is in the off position. He also checks the outside perimeter for any weaknesses in our defenses and makes sure he asks you any and every question about any and every useless thing he can think of. He is also always the one to rush you but the last one out the door. My brother, out of bed late, last one in the shower first one to complain about having no hot water. He has his traditional car kit, MP3 player full of metal, cell phone and pillow so he can spend much of the time in the car ignoring the rest of us. He pretty much has this down to a science. I guess he learned from the best.

Making my way back to the bedroom to do the last double check for any odds and ends I might be missing, I caught a glimpse of my mother. I had noticed the strange quiet without her panicking about the time, doing damage control on dad and normal nagging before a long trip. This time she was silent like a church on a Tuesday afternoon. I didn't like this unpredictable person that she had become on this early morning car ride. Something told me though, the closer we got to our destination, the worse it was going to get so I just accepted and moved on.

This trip was different all together, besides the little regularities that I tried to hold onto, especially for her. This trip was meant for her and her two sisters to come together with a father they had not seen in 23 years. Her silence was uncommunicative but the screams of nervousness lay all over her face. I wanted to help her get ready for this but I had no idea how. I had never done anything like this and would not even know where to begin to help.

I guess more than anything I just didn't understand the importance of meeting a man that left you with a woman that could not even take care of herself let alone her three small daughters. My grandmother was not in the best of mental conditions and had a really rough time raising her kids on her own. My mother spent a lot of time growing up in foster care and sometimes not really the best of places. She would go back and forth from home and I could only imagine the kind of pain she went through and a lot of it was because of this strange man who left her. I guess he did come to her wedding and at some point he visited when I was too young to remember. If this were me nothing in my mind points at giving this man any kind of satisfaction of knowing me now or letting him think that he had anything to do with the person that I had become or any successes I have had. So I guess its good this was her and not me.

As I got settled into the car, I knew it was going to be a long trip, so I found a comfortable place to put my headphones on and just looked out the window and enjoyed the view of the outside. My father puts on his talk radio as my mom follows David's (the name of the voice on the Verizon Wireless GPS) directions to get us there, and my brother begins to fall asleep next to me. I attempted to fall asleep and deal with the next 6 hours that way.

The drive was long and full of the average amount of bathroom and snack stops, but we finally arrived at our destination. I couldn't help but look at my mom for some kind of support. I have always done that up to now, but I didn't get the look I was hoping for. In fact, her look was much like my own, the look of fear, uncertainty and a small amount of excitement. What was really going to happen on the other side of that door? Would this turn into one big happy meet and greet or would we leave here knowing that we should have never come? I guess in that few minute walk to the front door we would find out.

The house was for the most part well lit. It did have that old creepy grandmother feeling to it. The smell was not as bad a retirement home but pushing hospital. The walkway through to the living room was only large enough for one. As you walked down the hall, there was a bookcase of nicknacky statues of elephants and owls. I felt like they were going to come to life and parade across the living room, instead they all had a tea party in my head on the back porch of the house. The living area was small and uncomfortable and there was not enough seating to people ratio, but we made do. The kitchen was small and quaint, and the bedrooms where much of the same. And there he stood.

William is a tall man, well over 6ft. He looked like a weathered version of Johnny Cash. He had this muffled speech, I really had to watch his lips and listen to the sounds that came from his mouth to understand what he was saying. He has this kind of familiar smile that gave me a sense of warmth. That made this easier by the moment. His eyes reminded me of my mothers, trusting on kind. The oddest part about them was, he had the same look she did.

During our time in the house I learned so much about him. He led a very diverse interesting life. He fought in the Korean war and then went awal. He then held up a bar, a liquor store and a hotel, with an unloaded gun. He did get caught for it so no ideas guys. He then went back and served his time in the Army to then be discharged so he could work at ITT. He had to go back to get the security clearance needed to work on government projects. He spent a lot of time traveling overseas for work. Seeing so much of the world, some of the stories he was telling brought me closer to wanting to know all that I could about this man. He did re-marry to a Vietnamese woman who recently died. He is now dating a little old lady who should have been the odd sister out on, the Golden Girls. The one who is still trying to be 21 fashionable and loves to listen to the sound of her own voice, but he seems to like her.

As the night went on, pictures of my mother as a child began to come out. When she was young she lost a lot of her photos to a tragic fire so seeing the ones he had was quite the privilege. It’s funny to me how certain things don't really change from generation to generation. I have a picture of myself in high school that you could put right next to the one of my mother in high school and we could be sisters. I have not seen her as happy as she was that night in a long time. Her look of fear melted away with every new photo album and her laughter filled the room with such light and joy, the amount of comfort changed rather quickly. This was the family that she always wanted and I knew we were there to share that with her.

I look back on that trip now with a different light. I may have walked into that trip with anger and fear, but I walked out with a family that was one more person strong. He may not have been there for my graduation or the cool grandfather I spent my summer vacations with, but I think I have a chance to learn a little bit from him. He did have a small part in making my mother who she is, and in turn who I am so I can be thankful for that. Without him I would not have the family I do with such strong roll models. I am glad I went and learned what I did and I am glad my mother now has a chance to know her father.

Tenayas Randomness

Saturday, February 14, 2009

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

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Reunification

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Be Outraged!!

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